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G/t Advertising contest: Speedy Spriggans

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Speedy Spriggans® : The Sweetest of Scams
Reviewer: Mandy Hawkins

Rating (out of 5): ⭐️

For those of you who are unfamiliar with this so-called ‘service,’ Speedy Spriggans® markets itself as a free and easy tiny transportation service, in which a friendly giant will whisk you away to your destination for a safe and comfortable ride.

Fellow tiny customers, we have been deceived. This is NOT what it claims to be.

First off, these people aren’t easy to find. They call themselves accessible? Well let me tell you, I was travelling with an armful of bags for a business trip, and it took me nearly an HOUR for one of these jokers to show up. What, do they only have, like, two people working at a time or something?

Anyway, after an hour I finally found one, who - for the sake of anonymity - we shall call Darby. How did I flag the guy down? HE CHASED ME! That’s right, folks, this guy I didn’t know, who also wore no insignia or other visible indicator of his professional identity, who for all I know could have been any manner of giant stalker or predator, just ran after me and scooped me up like it was nothing!

So of course I had to give this dude a piece of my mind even before he got to introduce himself. After all, what kind of respectable giant just grabs up a tiny without so much as a hello first?! Well apparently he wasn’t accustomed to being yelled at, so he gives me a big fat pout, complete with a pair of puppy eyes, and tells me he’s just trying to help me out. I asked how, so THEN he told me he’s a Speedy Spriggan.

Apparently he couldn't say that BEFORE running after me.

So I said I’d like a ride, and his eyes lit up like Christmas trees. Why, you ask? At first I thought it was just excitement, maybe the poor guy was just an eager beaver or a newbie dying to do a good job... but boy, was I wrong, because you know what happened next? You’re going to love this.

“Here, let me take your luggage!” He says, opening his free hand.

I drop my bags into his hand, and you know what he does?

He EATS them.

You read that right, people, he ATE my bags. Popped them like a bunch of pills and gulped them down dry.

Now, before I continue let me clarify one point here: I was later informed that Spriggans are physically incapable of digesting any living matter, so if you encounter one let me reassure you that these people are not murderers. Charlatans grossly misrepresenting themselves, yes, but not murderers. You ARE safe if you happen to hitch a ride with one of these losers.

However, if you ARE planning a ride with one of them, wear a bathing suit. Because guess what? You’ll be joining your luggage.

So, to summarize here, my experience with Speedy Spriggans® consisted of lugging around my heavy bags, being chased while carrying said bags, getting grabbed up by a strange giant, and being swallowed whole and stuck in a Spriggan's stomach for the duration of the ride.

Now, I know what you're thinking: This is a FREE service! You get what you pay for, right?

Do you consider being made to play prey for a strange giant a fair price to spend your ride stuck in a giant's belly, covered in slobber, with NO amenities, with the potential for emotional scarring if you're not familiar with Spriggan biology (as I imagine most tinies are not), and likely running up a huge cleaning bill for your luggage and clothes when you arrive?

There are two words that can perfectly describe Speedy Spriggans®: FALSE ADVERTISING.

Nothing in the way this service is advertised would give any clue as to the true method of transportation here, and when you find out for yourself, with no prior knowledge it can be downright terrifying!

So take hope and warning, fellow tinies! Yes, Speedy Spriggans® will give you a ride free of monetary charge, but believe me, it won't be free. I suppose in hindsight it could have been a lot worse, but for what I was expecting, this was definitely a shock. Before you try a Speedy Spriggan, know what (and who) you're getting into! If you're looking for a cheap and safe ride and don't need to arrive at your destination clean and dry, it's probably worth a shot, but otherwise I suggest you seek other, less traumatizing means of travel.

-----

Dear Miss Hawkins,

I am sorry that your experience with the Speedy Spriggans® service has been less than optimal for you. There are issues that we are still working on, and others that - while I can understand you overlooked because you were in a hurry - are clearly available on our website. So, while I can understand the poor rating, I will not stand for our group to be addressed with the word "scam" or "fake advertising".

Allow me to reply to a few points of your review:

- 'What, do they have, like, two people working at the same time or something?'

To be precise, we have NO people working at the same time. Speedy Spriggans® is a purely volunteer group, which is also why we keep it free of charge. We try to offer the best service we can, making the most of what time our volunteers can devote to us. While we try to take emergency calls, it is specified in our Terms that it is better to make arrangements for transportation ahead of time. We'd like to be like cabs, but we also have day jobs to look after.

- 'Who also wore no insignia or other visible indicator of his professional identity'

This is something that we have to work out. We are thinking of at least getting badges, but those might be hard to see for a tiny interested in the service all the same. Other ideas for identification were scrapped as too costly... we Spriggs are poor. T_T
While it is no excuse for the overeager approach that our lad had, he surely was expecting that his being a Spriggan was identification enough for someone who called with such urgency. It IS a bit like calling a cab and then complaining about that weird car stalking your every move.
And, in the About section of our site there is a gallery with the picture of every member, divided per area, to make identification more easy (No, they're not shopped... we ARE that hot).
I hope we'll find a better solution to this issue soon.

-'You'll be joining your luggage'... and all the stuff before that too.

For starters, I'd like to point out that several travel companies, those you have to pay a ticket for, like Giant Steps®, Pocket Travels®, or even a big one like Gulliver's Travels®, have the internal ride as the lowest tier of personal transportation offered. Its the lowest ticket one can get, if you exclude the public transportation ones... but riding in a seat that is strapped to a harness is hardly the right way to ride a giant anyway, no?
In any case, that is considered to be the standard condition for riding a giant.
I point you towards the legal action of Rayner against Giant Steps®, in which the company won and it was decreed that, unless specific instructions are given against it, the providers should give the standard service.
Therefore, riding in the belly is NOT a scam, as anyone used to travel by giant would tell you.
Therefore, one can request a different accommodation during the trip, but our standard way is internal, as is the most preferred by our volunteers.
It is clearly stated in the Terms, it's not fine print or anything.
And I can assure you that if someone is going to a business meeting or the like, we won't do something as tactless as making them arrive soaked in drool.

- 'Covered in slobber, with NO amenities'

I'd like to point out that, as a scientific fact, we Spriggans produce way less saliva than any other large, sentient predator. Therefore, the same travel arrangements with other services would include paying a ticket AND leaving you way more slobbered.
Furthermore, we take down also an icebox with sealed drinks to offer our guests! There are refreshments, in a free ride! You call that NO amenities?
And what about the light show of a Spriggan's belly? You failed to mention the soothing green light and all that. Not being fair in this review.

All in all, I'd invite you to take another trip with us, taking time to read through the whole information provided on our site and following our suggestions as to how to make the most of our service, and then write a new review.
I'm sure you'll find the trip way more enjoyable.

Yours Truly,
The Supreme Leader of Speedy Spriggans®
Brady Slane

-----

REVIEW EDIT: ⭐️⭐️⭐️

At the request of the service's founder, I decided to give Speedy Spriggans® a second try after all, this time booking a trip in advance. While I amend my previous review, however, I'd also like to make some suggestions.

This time I did recognize my Speedy Spriggan... however, this is only because it was Darby who came for me again. While I understand that cost can be prohibitive, identification remains a major issue, particularly for small-horned Spriggans who may appear as normal predatory giants. I suggest a uniform, such as wearing bright orange shirts while on duty, something simple and easy to find.

The ride was much smoother this time, admittedly I may have been part of the problem the first time since I may have been kicking and screaming the whole way... But I digress. I was even offered a drink this time, and admittedly the seating was surprisingly comfortable, warm and with ample leg room. And yes, it is rather interesting to see a Spriggan's internal glow, I must say its worth a view at least once.
Speaking as a microphysician I can attest to the fact that Spriggans do produce less saliva based on the O'Leary lab findings, however this is still a matter of gallons of drool we're talking about. 4 gallons of Spriggan drool vs. 10 gallons for an average giant is still plenty of saliva...

My main problem remains how the service is marketed. As you can imagine, I was unfamiliar with the website prior to my first ride, and solely knew the service from a few online side bar ads. As it turns out, a simple Google or Bing search for Speedy Sprigggans® will not find you their website. Not only is it a .gar site, which I can only chalk up to cost prohibition, but unless you type in the URL yourself EXACTLY, you will not find this website. All the terms are indeed there and clearly spelled out, but only if you can actually find them!

Speedy Spriggans® could be an amazing tiny transportation service, I dare say it could crush Giant Steps® easily given the chance, but between a lack of visibility and resources it is difficult to find. Like most public transport, I fully expected a seat with a harness, but had I gone with the expectation of an internal ride instead, I don't think I would have been disappointed. So, in short, as long as you know to call ahead and don't mind sitting in a stomach for a while, or having to fight with a colossal puppy pout as you bargain for an external ride, Speedy Spriggans® is a pretty good way to go, and in the future, with some improving, I'm sure it'll be great.

For more information on Speedy Spriggans® visit www.speedy-spriggans.gar

Review © www.yopp.col

"Real tinies, real reviews"
So, there's this contest that :iconkindii: is hosting, about G/t advertisement/product placement and the like.

I said I wouldn't manage to get an entry in as it isn't my thing... and it's still true, since this thing is a collaboration with :iconpianorose17: ... she did her parts as Mandy, and I did my part as Brad. XD

So... enjoy?

Contest: kindii.deviantart.com/journal/…
Mandy by :iconpianorose17:
Brad by Me
© 2016 - 2024 Osric09
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The-Oyster-Idol's avatar
This is hilarious :D (Big Grin)